And she's an academic. Questions?
Honestly, it’s not that bad for the summer. I’m sure there’s going to be a massive amount of homework but in terms of time spent in class it’s not too crazy.
Monday: 11-12pm Intro to Dramaturgy; 1-2pm MXAT class; 2:30-4pm Intro to Dramatic Structure (haven’t I already taken this class like five thousand billion jillion times?)
Tuesday: 1-2pm Russian; 6:30-9:30pm Icons of Masculinity (yes I know, when are we going to have our Icons of Femininity class?)
Wednesday: 12-1pm Voice; 1:30-3pm Dramaturgy Casebook; 3-4:30pm Education and Community Outreach
Thursday: 1-2pm Russian; 6:30-9:30pm Icons of Masculinity
Friday: 2:30-3:30pm History of Set Design
Saturday: 9-10:30am Russian
And for the first two weeks we have to attend the daily acting class to observe from 9am-12. Which sucks cuz it’s early, and Saturday sucks cuz it’s early, but that’s about all that sucks in terms of the schedule.
I have reminded myself of one of the biggest reasons freshman year sucked so much: having gluten in my system. Granted, at the time I had no idea what celiac’s disease even was let alone that I had it, but I certainly did hack all of the time. And by hack, I mean a frog/donkey/old man/smokers cough. Every time I laughed. Every time I ate. Drank. Did anything, I would coughcoughcough.
About a week ago, I was trying to write a paper and was talking to my friend. I was like, “Dude, I spend enough money on booze and cigarettes. What’s a pizza?” so I ordered a gluten-free pizza and devoured half of it. Then ate the second half of it the next day. Then, on the third day, I ate some more because a friend hosted an informal reading at her house with gluten-free pizza. Finally, on Monday, I ate a chicken dish that most certainly had a roux.
Fast-forward to Friday: night of many stupidities but mostly a night of severe panic. Got home, curled up on my couch, and had a panic attack so terrible that I almost vomited. Also was the final night in a five-day span were I drank to the point of mild-to-severe drunkenness. We are now at three things very much like my freshman year! Woo!
And I am the worse for it. I am now sitting, taskless, in my bedroom with nowhere to go and no one close at hand. Finally, the fourth similarity to my freshman year: being stuck in a room with no viable escape. To think I thought I had come so far, when in fact I’ve only come full-circle.
With only a few weeks left of break, I am happy to say that I’ve gotten a lot done. Finished my madness frame, which I’ll likely revise over the weekend once the quarter has begun so no more stressing that. I’ve begun the revision process for my play so that I won’t cringe as horribly when everyone sees/reads/whatevers it. Good things, yes?
Yes, they are. I am a highly productive girl. I am high functioning. I am the Queen of OCD. It’s GREAT.
Except for that part where I have no routine. When I’m in the routine, I get all of my work done and rejoice! I go to sleep at a reasonable hour and all is well. Or when I’m in the routine, I get all of my work done early and rejoice! I get to wait for death until it’s bedtime because I have nothing else to do.
The routine is dangerous because it leads to a sense of impending doom sometimes. I am so highly productive that I wind up with nothing to do and no energy to do anything. But not having the routine is just as dangerous because I go through devastating insomnia/blueblack cycles.
I got so much done at the beginning of the break that now, close to the end of it, I’m finding it hard to lift my head up and process anything, do anything. Even menial tasks like cleaning up have become daunting and impossible. But I am trying to keep my head up, despite the terror that’s become debilitating in my house, and do things. I am genuinely trying. I am working, I will get this second revision done. All will be well someday.
Perhaps this blog is a testament to the fact that I’m OCD. I’m not OCD to the point of it negatively affecting my life; I tend to think that my OCD positively affects my life, actually. I am a person of routine. I like having a routine, it helps me stay focused and accomplish not only big tasks but also the smaller tasks.
The smaller tasks that I tend to bypass when I’m not in a routine tend to affect my sleeping. If I don’t follow a routine and complete my small daily tasks (e.g. brush my teeth, wash my face, brush my hair, put makeup on / take it off — please don’t think that I ever don’t brush my teeth), then I will not sleep properly. If I don’t sleep properly, I can’t achieve anything at all. Either I will be drained the whole day and incapable of doing anything or I’ll sleep all day.
Right now, I am in a routine that will invariably change through time as I find short cuts. I do X, Y, and Z on Mondays ad nauseum. The trouble with being in a routine is that, at the end of the day if I have accomplished all my tasks, I have nothing. I have my routine and nothing else, nothing to fall back on. I am not one of those people who can sit in front of the television every day, though I often enjoy it every now and then. In the end, the OCD rules my life fo good and bad.